my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.