This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house