Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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