It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
