It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
