well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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