eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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