he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
