ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
