I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
