So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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