I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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