Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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