based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
