barbara walters just said penis...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
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First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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