Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
