maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
