Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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