Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
All the doctor said was why
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
