I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
