Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
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