My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
