I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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