if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
