If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
