I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We have started to decorate penises.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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