I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
