Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
