you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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