The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
