sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
