College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
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