I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
