I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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