I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
