Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
