Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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