Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It's official drugs can't kill me
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
