the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
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