Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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