I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
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new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
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I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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