sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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