His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
