If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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