Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
