Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
