U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
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When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
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Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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