Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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