I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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