We just shotgunned beers for America
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
