The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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