Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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