Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
