Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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