Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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