I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I AM VODKA MAN
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
