I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
