we should wear snuggies to the strip club
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
