Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's rum buckets o'clock
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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