I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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