Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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