OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
