sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
